Ten Love Duets
by The Big Rocky Eye
Summary: Between Sokka, Katara, Zuko, Aang and Toph there are ten possible pairings. Here is a oneshot for each of them. Mostly crack. Chapter 8 - Zukaang: How drunk do you have to be to mistake Zuko for Katara? ON INDEFINITE HIATUS.
1. Kasokka

I was lying in bed on night when I decided to list all the possible pairings between Sokka, Katara, Zuko, Aang and Toph in my mind. Then I had the bright idea of using those pairings as prompts for a bunch of oneshots. Thus was born Ten Love Duets: one oneshot for each of the possible pairings within the Gaang.

C(5,2) is the "choose" function of mathematics, and in this case it represents the number of distinct pairs that can be chosen from a group of five objects. Usually it is written as a binomial coefficient, but for obvious reasons I can't do that here. Anyways, C(5,2) = 10, meaning there are ten possible pairings in the Gaang. I am posting them so that they are ordered by the order of each character's first line in the show. Since Sokka and Katara have the first lines, well, the incest ship is first!

DISCLAIMER: In the Fire Nation, Avatar owns you—and these crappy Soviet Russia jokes!

* * *

**TEN LOVE DUETS,****  
**or**,  
C(5,2)

* * *

**

I. Kasokka

"Katara! Katara!" Aang shouted, wandering through the Southern Air Temple.

Aang had suddenly fallen prey to a fit of nostalgia ("I haven't cleaned my room for a hundred and one years!"), so everyone thought it was a good idea to take him back to the Air Temple for a visit. It was bedtime before Aang realized Katara had slipped away sometime after dinner—and didn't come back. Zuko was already asleep, while Toph was just preparing to tuck herself in. Sokka had gone to the bathroom, but Katara had gone...missing.

"I have to show you where the bedrooms are!" he shouted. "Katara, where are you?"

After about five minutes of the like, Aang heard someone yell back.

"Will you shut up out there? Someone's trying to sleep!" It was Toph, yelling from her bedroom window.

"Katara's disappeared!" Aang yelled back.

"Look for her in the morning!"

"I can't do that!"

"I don't care! Stop shouting!"

"Katara! Where are you?"

"Didn't I just tell you to stop shouting?"

"Katara!"

"Twinkletoes, let me sleep!"

"Help me look for Katara!"

"Then will you let me sleep?"

"Sure! Come on, come on!"

"Fine."

Toph descended the two flights of stairs, paused for a moment upon reaching the bottom, then walked over to Aang and punched him.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"That's for forgetting everything I ever taught you! She's making so many vibrations, my feet's going to go blind! I'm going to bed. If you start yelling again I'll pound your head in!" And with that, Toph marched right back to her room.

Aang heaved a sigh, then began to take off his shoes. "Completely forgot about that. Well, it's worth a try..."

* * *

"Ahh! Ahh!!" Aang screamed, running through the temple like a madman.

"What's the matter now?" Toph yelled through her window, thoroughly irritated.

"Katara...and Sokka...Ahh!! AHH!! They're—they're—AHH!!!"

"Aang!" Zuko shouted, woken by the screaming. "What's the matter? It's the middle of the night!"

"Katara—Sokka—they were...AHH!! I'm too young!!"

"Aang, get a hold of yourself!" Zuko yelled.

"Calm down!" Toph shouted. "What happened? What happened to Sokka and Katara?"

Instead of calming down, Aang simply screamed louder, the noises no longer resolving into words. Zuko took the initiative of walking down to him, with Toph following moments later. Their presence was enough to calm him down somewhat. After a few calming pats on the back, courtesy of Zuko, he was able to speak coherently.

"What's the matter, Aang? Why were you screaming like a maniac?" Toph demanded.

"I found Katara. She was with Sokka in the kitchen. I thought they were just making a midnight snack. But when I got closer, it turned out they were doing something...that the monks told us never to do."

"What, were they having sex or something?"

"What's sex?"

Toph and Zuko simultaneously face palmed.

"Then," Zuko asked, "what _were_ they doing?"

"They...exposed their privates to each other." Aang shuddered involuntarily. "I think I'm going to be scarred for life."

"That's it?" Toph asked. "They showed their privates to each other?"

"Apart from the fact that they were doing it in the kitchen, it's not really such a big deal," Zuko pointed out. "I mean, they _are_ brother and sister. Maybe it's a Water Tribe thing."

"But...you're never supposed to show your privates to another! They're called privates for a reason!" Aang exclaimed. "The monks taught me that exposing your privates is an incredibly impure act!"

Zuko and Toph both snickered.

"This isn't funny!" Aang protested.

"Well, maybe something was wrong with their privates or something. Did they do anything, or did they just stand there and display their privates to each other?" Zuko asked.

"I...don't know. It was really strange, actually. I was too scared to get a close look, but I think...Katara was licking Sokka's banana."

"Sokka's...banana?" Toph asked. "What banana?"

"You know..." Aang nodded significantly towards his legs.

"It's called a penis," Zuko told him flatly. "Katara was licking his—wait a minute."

"Don't say that word, it's dirty!" Aang admonished.

"Did you say Katara was licking...her brother's...banana?" Zuko asked slowly.

"Well, that's what it looked like..."

Zuko promptly vomited.

* * *

"AHH!! AHH!!" Aang, Toph and Zuko screamed, running through the Air Temple like madmen.

"What's the matter with them?" Sokka asked, glancing through the door of the kitchen.

"Who cares?" Katara answered, pulling her brother into a brief kiss. "Now, where were we?"


	2. Zukka

DISCLAIMER: GOLDEN SUN DS HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED!! OMG OMG OMG!! ...ahem. I mean, let A = {everything the Big Rocky Eye owns} and B = {...Yangchen, Kuruk, Roku, Aang} (see footnote 1). Then the Disclaimer Theorem states that the intersection of A and B is the set {}.

* * *

II. Zukka

The two children were rolling on the floor, hugging each other tightly. Their lips were pressed tightly together, occasionally making sounds reminiscent of groans as their breath ran out. They were playing a game, and Kulik was winning.

"Ah!" Rungchen cried, gasping for breath. They disengaged their lips and paused their rolling and hugging for a moment. Kulik started laughing.

"Ha! I win again!"

"It doesn't matter! I'll get you this time! Airbending power!!" She took a deep breath, then pressed her lips onto the boy's. They threw their arms around each other again and started rolling more violently than before.

This game they continued for some time, until they were conscious of someone staring at them from the doorway.

"Aunt Suki!"

"Mom!"

Suki had been staring at her son and her niece for a while now, completely forgetting about the groceries she carried in her arms. Now that the children noticed her, she in turn noticed that the groceries were about to fall. She gave a smile and said, "Kulik, would you like to give Mommy a hand with the groceries? You too, Rungchen." The children did so, each taking an item from Suki's arms and carrying them to the kitchen.

"Your parents are coming tomorrow, Rungchen. They're bringing Aunt Toph," Suki said as she placed various cuts of meat into the ice box. "After a few days, we're all going to ride on Appa to the South Pole together. Are you excited?"

The little girl—she couldn't be more than nine or ten—gasped. "Aunt Toph! We can play Earth Rumble with her again!"

"Yes, you can," Suki said, patting her on the head.

"Is Uncle Zuko and Aunty Mai coming, too?" Kulik asked.

"Not this time," Suki answered. "Uncle Zuko has to rule the Fire Nation, you know. He has to work very hard, or else lots of bad people are going to come and burn everything."

"I wanna go to Uncle Zuko's house again!" Rungchen said. "It's so big and nice!"

"Yeah, me too, mom!" Kulik added.

"Now, now, children. We just came back last week," Suki admonished. "We can't go to Uncle Zuko's house too much. He's very busy with his job, and if you keep distracting him he can't take care of the country. And then Ozai will come and get you!"

"No!" both children shrieked.

"Ozai's a meanie!"

"Make him stay away!"

Suki chuckled. To the children, Ozai was nothing but a scary man who did horrible things to naughty kids. As they grew older, they'd understand. "Don't worry. Uncle Zuko will make sure he doesn't get you."

"Yay!"

Suki placed the last of the groceries in the ice box and turned to the children. "Now, why don't you go off to play again? I have to prepare dinner. I'll call you when it's ready."

* * *

Kulik was just about to pull his lips from Rungchen's when Suki called them to dinner.

"You were _so_ going to lose that round," Rungchen teased.

"Come on, I'm hungry," was Kulik's only reply.

"You're always hungry."

Suki chuckled. _Just like his father_, she thought. "Let's eat," she said.

Dinner itself was a simple affair, the fancier foods being reserved for the arrival of the Avatar the next day. It was enlivened by the children's chatter; they told Suki all about the games they played, and each adamantly maintained that they won more rounds than the other. Suki found it...immensely interesting.

After dinner they headed off to the kitchen together, this time to prepare for the inevitable feasts of the next day. Suki was assigned the task of making the pork buns, and from experience she knew that she would have to make double if she didn't want her husband to eat them all. It was the only food that the elders could trust her with, as her warrior training left her little time to _really_ learn how to cook. The children took pride in helping her prepare for the Avatar's reception (though they were really just getting themselves covered in flour).

It was well after dark by the time she steamed the last batch, and it was high time the children went to bed. She cleaned them off and sent them to bed (threatening to take them to Ozai if they didn't), then prepared to go to bed herself.

Suki slept only fitfully that night. She couldn't wait for Sokka to come home.

* * *

"I forgot to thank you for taking care of Rungchen while we were gone," Katara said. The feast was over—it would have been over a lot sooner if not for Sokka—and everyone was sitting in the living room of Sokka and Suki's Kyoshi Island residence.

"No problem at all. Rungchen was a good girl. I still wish I went with you, though," Suki replied.

"It could have been dangerous," Aang said. "Someone needed to watch the kids. But it's all over, now."

"You took Kya, though."

"We didn't want to, but she convinced us she was old enough," Katara said.

"Oh, come on, Mom!" the aforementioned girl whined. "Daddy saved the world when he was _twelve_! I'm _fourteen_!"

"But Daddy's the Avatar," Katara answered, stifling a yawn. "I'm tired."

"Looks like even Sweetness is getting drowsy," Toph noted. "Let's go to sleep."

"I agree," Suki said. Everyone got up, tired after a long day's journey. As they headed to their rooms, she held on to Sokka's wrist. "Go on ahead of me," she told everyone. "I have to talk to Sokka."

Sokka yawned widely. "What's the matter?"

She waited until everyone but the kids had gone to their rooms. "I have to talk to you. Sit down. Kulik, Rungchen, come here." They did so. "Can you tell me again about the game you were playing yesterday?"

Sokka raised his eyebrows.

"Umm...well..." Kulik started. He was going to ask why she wanted them to tell her again, but something in his mother's voice forbade it. "You're supposed to hug your opponent really tightly, like this." He demonstrated on his cousin. "And then you're supposed to hold your breath and put your lips on your opponent's, like this." The gesture looked almost intimate—a strange sight, considering that the parties involved were barely ten years old.

"Whoever goes longer without taking their lips off wins," Rungchen said after removing her lips from Kulik's. "Oh, and you're supposed to roll around while you're holding your breath. It makes it much harder."

"And who taught you this game?" Suki asked.

"Well, no one _taught_ us it," Rungchen answered. "But we saw Uncle Sokka and Uncle Zuko playing it, and it looked fun."

"Really? Where did you see them play it?"

"At Uncle Zuko's house," Kulik said. "They were in a really big room with a really big bed." He glanced at his father, whose eyes had gone wide. "They were rolling on the bed. Maybe they didn't want to roll on the floor."

"I see," Suki said. "Alright, kids, go to bed. Tomorrow's going to be a long day."

Once the children left, she spun on a red-faced Sokka.

"Ozai is going to have a visitor tonight."

* * *

Footnote 1: It can be shown that the set {...Yangchen, Kuruk, Roku, Aang} is isomorphic to the "Avatar: The Last Airbender".

OMG GOLDEN SUN DS WAS ANNOUNCED!! THE BIG ROCKY EYE IS A HAPPY MAN!!

Yes, I'm a GS fanboy. What of it?

... ...

...Ahem. Yes. Now that that's out of my system, I would like to actually make a note. In case it's not clear from the text, Kya and Rungchen are Aang and Katara's first and second children, respectively. If you read _Avatar Aang: An Annotated Bibliography_, you may recall that Rungchen was the one who said that _Life of Avatar Aang_ could have done with a little less of Sokka. As for Kulik, he's Sokka and Suki's first son. I made up these characters, of course. Please don't put them in torture chambers, Kulik in particular is kind of squeamish.


	3. Sokkaang

DISCLAIMER: OMG THEY RELEASED—ahem. The set of things the Big Rocky Eye owns is the complement of the set {everything in the universe}.

Also, I've never actually kissed anyone. All kissing advice came from wikiHow. I don't know if it's reliable, but it sort of made a little bit of sense to me, maybe.

* * *

III. Sokkaang

"Hey, Sokka?"

"What's up, buddy?"

"You know some stuff about ladies, right?"

"_Some_ stuff? You've come to the right place. What can I do you for? ...Wait a minute. You're not just going to ignore my advice and give her flowers, are you?"

"No, no! It's something else!"

"What is it?"

"Well...can you...teach me how to kiss?"

"Uhh...sure! It's very simple, actually—wait. Do you have a girl in mind, or are you just curious?"

"Heh heh...I'm just curious. So, how do you do it?"

"Well, first of all, you have to make sure your mouth and lips are clean and that they don't smell."

"That's pretty obvious."

"Now, let me see your lips. Hmm..."

"Why are you touching my lips like that?"

"Thought so. Your lips are as rough as sandpaper. You're going to turn off every girl you meet!"

"Well, what can I do about it?"

"Here's a little trick I learned. Take a bit of sugar, wet it just enough to become pasty, then rub it on your lips. And _voilà_, smooth lips!"

"Okay. What's next?"

"Before you go in for the kill, relax your lips. You gotta make them look kissable. Open them a little...just a little, that's a bit too much...perfect! Okay, good! Now, what kind of kiss are you interested in?"

"There's different types of kisses?"

"Ugh. Of course there is! There's the 'we're close enough friends that we can kiss each other on the cheek but we're not in a relationship' kiss, there's the 'we're totally in love but I don't want to take it too far' kiss, and then there's the French kiss."

"French kiss?"

"That's the kiss one level below making out. Often it _does_ lead to making out."

"What kind of a word is 'french'? What does it even mean?"

"I don't know! All I know is that it's the kind of kiss where you stick your tongue into the other person's mouth! Maybe it's an archaic word for 'passionate' or something."

"You stick your tongue into the other person's mouth when you kiss? That's gross!"

"No, actually it's quite enjoyable. Besides, it's not for _every_ kiss. So, what kiss do you want to learn first?"

"Uhh, let's go for the 'we're just friends' kiss."

"Alright. Now, pucker up. Real tight, like this."

"Okay..."

"Tilt your head...like this...good...now turn it a little to the side...good. Now, imagine you're kissing someone on the cheek. Like this. Just a little peck. Don't linger, or you'll give the wrong impression. Now, try it yourself. From the top."

"Alright. Here goes."

"Hmm...good...good. You learn fast. ...Hey! What do you think you're doing!"

"Did I get it right?"

"Ugh... What was that all about?"

"Well, it's kind of awkward to kiss the air. I needed someone to practice on. So, how'd I do?"

"But—but—you can't just kiss me like that! We're guys!"

"We're friends, and we're alone. I'm just showing you my appreciation."

"But—that's not manly!"

"I know, it's just...I'm nervous. I've never kissed before, and I need feedback."

"Sigh... Okay, fine. You did great."

"Yes! Well, don't stop there, keep it coming!"

"Wait. Didn't you say you were just curious?"

"Uhh..."

"Why are you so curious?"

"..."

"Well?"

"...Fine! There's a girl!"

"Aha! Thought so! So, who is it? Who's the lucky girl?"

"Sokka, I don't think—"

"Come on, you can tell me. We're buddies."

"I can't tell you!"

"Don't make me tickle you!"

"If you keep asking, I'll go into the Avatar State."

"...Wow. Alright...I'll just ask you later, then..."

"So, continue! Can you teach me the 'we're in love but I don't want to go too far' kiss?"

"Uhh, sure. Alright, pucker up just a little. Not so much, like last time. Relax a bit more...perfect. Now, the idea is to sort of pinch the girl's lip with your lips as you kiss them. Just a little, not hard."

"Okay."

"With this one, you can draw it out so it lasts a bit. You can switch lips once in a while, too. And don't forget to close your eyes. Girls love it when you do that. But the most important thing is to tilt your head so your noses don't collide. Remember that, it's very important."

"Like this?"

"Hey! No, no, no, no, no! That kiss is for couples only!"

"But Sokka, I need practice!"

"No! Just remember what I say so you can do it to your girlfriend! You're not kissing me!"

"Sokka, please!"

"No!"

"Pretend I'm Suki!"

"Oh, for the love of— You're a monk, for crying out loud! This is so wrong!"

"Just once. Please. I need to know if I'm doing this right."

"Fine. But just once. And if anyone finds out, you'll be sorry."

"Yay! Alright, here goes..."

"Wait! Let me close my eyes first. I don't want to see some bald kid kissing me."

"Ready?"

"Yes."

"Okay... ... ... mmm... mmMMmmm... ..."

"Mmm!... ...mmmMMMM..."

"Mmmm... mmm..."

"...!! ...mmmMMMMM!!!... MMM!!"

"Mmmm...! Wow, that felt great! How'd I do?"

"You sly little kid! You turned it into a French kiss!"

"Really?"

"That was some tongue action there, buddy. Keep it up and you'll be as good as I am."

"Thanks!"

"But, ahh, Aang..."

"Yeah?"

"There's just a few little things you need to work on. Just minor things, you know? Here. Allow me to demonstrate..."

* * *

"Katara, my feet have just been scarred."

"Oh no! Here, let me heal them!"

"It's not the kind of thing you can heal, Katara."

* * *

The next few won't be crack ships, I promise! It's not my fault Sokka had the first line in the show AND has so many crack shippings! The next ones are Tokka, Zutara and Kataang. I can smell the shipping wars already.


	4. Tokka

DISCLAIMER: The Wronskian of two linearly dependent functions is equal to the fraction of _the Avatar: The Last Airbender_ franchise that I own.

* * *

IV. Tokka

Suki bowed her head as the coffin was brought to the Kyoshi Island cemetery. Her husband of two years was dead, apparently poisoned in his sleep. She vowed that his assassins—probably Fire Supremacists—would pay dearly. But for now, she had to be at her husband's side for his final journey.

If it was poison it must have been a slow-acting one, for he left a hastily scribbled will. It was simple: he was leaving everything to his wife. Oddly enough, he insisted on a burial in the Earth Kingdom tradition, rather than the Water Tribe custom of returning his body to the sea. He also wished his boomerang and his sword to be buried with him. More strangely, though, was the fact that he wanted an air-supply tube attached to his coffin. No one had known this, but he made it quite clear in his will: he was afraid of being buried alive (or being thrown into the sea alive). If he really was alive, he wanted to be able to call for help.

Suki had smiled when she read this. They were strange, but these things were scrupulously attended to nonetheless. Sokka would not have been the first to be buried with such a vent.

At the graveside, Aang spoke of his bravery, spirit, intelligence and humour. He recalled their long journey to end the war. Hakoda also gave a short speech about his son. Katara had wished to speak as well, but she could not still her sobs. Toph said nothing, but simply appeared numb. Zuko, accompanied by Mai, kept his lips tightly shut. His clenched fists emitted smoke—a visible indication of how he felt. There were few other people present. Sokka had wanted his funeral to be a quiet affair.

Oyaji uttered the traditional formula, then stepped respectfully away from the coffin. Everyone wore faces of sadness as they gazed for the last time upon the body of their fallen comrade. He was dressed in his best Water Tribe attire, with his boomerang in one hand and his sword in the other. The lid of the coffin was nailed on, the tube was attached, and it was let down into the earth. The weeping and sobbing reached a peak as dirt was thrown into the grave by the shovelful.

After the funeral, everyone gathered at Suki's house for the traditional meal. They did not serve Sokka's favourites—no one knew what they were, since he seemed to enjoy all foods equally—but there was plenty of meat. No one could eat very much, for the atmosphere was doubly oppressed: the death weighed heavily on them, and had it been anyone else Sokka would have lightened the mood by his heavy eating. No one spoke, save for a few comforting words directed at Katara, Suki or Kanna.

After the meal, everyone helped to wrap up any leftovers and to clean up. They then went and sat together in the living room for a while, carrying on various hushed conversations that seemed to peter off whenever Sokka was mentioned. Eventually a heated discussion arose over who or what could have killed him. It was generally agreed that he was murdered; everyone vowed to track down the culprits and kill them in various gruesome ways. Zuko sent a messenger hawk back to the Fire Nation, ordering that the investigation and prosecution of the Fire Supremacists be made a top priority.

The sun soon set on that terrible day. Most of the mourners went to their rooms at the inn. Katara stayed with Suki that night, while Toph stayed in an earth tent next to Sokka's grave. No one fell asleep without tears in their eyes.

Toph didn't fall asleep at all.

As soon as she felt confident that the cemetery was empty, she sent her tent back into the earth and Earthbended Sokka's coffin out. Using her Metalbending, she removed the nails and opened the coffin. She retrieved a small vial from her clothing, opened it and emptied the contents into Sokka's mouth.

Then—as if nothing at all had happened—Sokka sat up and yawned.

Toph motioned silently for him to come out of the coffin. He did so, taking his beloved boomerang and sword with him. Toph then shut the lid on the coffin and—amazingly—Metalbended the nails back into place. Within seconds, the coffin was buried again. Nothing looked amiss—even the breathing tube was in its place. Sokka chuckled when he noticed it.

They managed to sneak, unseen, onto Zuko's ship. Toph found a place for Sokka in the far corner of one of the larger storage rooms. He would not be noticed behind such a large pile of boxes and barrels. This being safely done, Toph left him and returned to the cemetery. As Sokka dozed off in the ship, Toph reformed her earth tent and went to sleep.

Most of those who attended the funeral stayed at Kyoshi Island for a week, to keep Suki company during her mourning. During this time, Toph snuck food to Sokka every night. She had already asked for and obtained permission to accompany Zuko to the Fire Nation, claiming that she had business there. After the week was over, Aang returned to the South Pole with Katara and her family. Zuko left for the Fire Nation with Toph that evening.

Three times during the journey to the Fire Nation, Sokka was almost caught. In the end, however, they managed to arrive without anyone noticing the extra passenger.

Getting Sokka off the ship was more difficult than getting him on. However, they managed the feat. Sokka stayed in an inn at the Capital for two days; he was a suspicious character, but he managed to keep the innkeeper quiet with plenty of gold. Toph was expected to stay in the palace for a night—Zuko would not have it otherwise.

After Toph managed to shake Zuko off, she proceeded through the Fire Nation with Sokka. Eventually, they settled down in a relatively small town. Sokka took on the name Inuk—he did not wish to adopt a Fire Nation name—and it by this name that he was known to the townspeople. He became known as a swordsman of some skill, and by passing his art to his students he was able to earn a decent living for himself...and his family.

Yes, his family. Did the reader for a moment wonder why Sokka and Toph colluded to fake his death? Was it not obvious? Sokka realized that his love for Suki did not run as deep as he thought. He discovered that his true love was for Toph. As for Toph...well, she had always been in love with Sokka. They put on this act because Sokka was a coward—he could not bear to divorce his first wife. He wouldn't be able to face his friends and family if he left Suki for Toph. He would rather "kill" himself than break Suki's heart.

They married as soon as they settled down, and they lived happily ever after...

* * *

"I'm back, honey!"

"It's about time! Go and make dinner, I'm hungry!"

Sokka—Inuk, rather—proceeded into the kitchen to make dinner. "You know, Toph, in most families it's the _wife_ who cooks."

"Well, we're not 'most families' now, are we?"

At this point, someone banged heavily on the door.

"Wonder who that could be?" Inuk said as he sliced a chunk of meat.

Toph did not even have the chance to tell her husband to hide before Katara burst into the house, followed by an extremely angry Suki.


	5. Zutara

**NOTE: **I have had a couple of reviewers voicing their disappointment with this installment. I am not such an immature brat to be annoyed by criticism. In fact, I think they are quite right - the ending needs work, and the whole thing is looser than I'd like. It started off as a good idea, but in hindsight (which is always 20/20!) I don't think I developed it well. I did read it over a number of times before I posted it, but fresh eyes means a fresh perspective. I would like to thank Lucrezia6565 and xyzisme for helping me grow as a writer.

I will be leaving this chapter up, but please be advised that this is not my best work. I have a new idea based on certain aspects of this one, and I will hopefully be posting an improved Zutara oneshot in the next few days. The whole wig thing will take a back seat, but I might be able to work it in somewhere.

DISCLAIMER: Let T be an operator mapping the elements of the set {everything} into the set {I own, I do not own}. Then T(Avatar: The Last Airbender) = I do not own.

* * *

V. Zutara

"Zuko? Do I really have to wear this wig?" Katara whined, rubbing her sore neck. "This thing is _so_ heavy! I feel like my neck's about to snap!"

"Sorry, Katara. It's tradition. All Fire Nation women wear this wig on their wedding day." Still, Zuko could not stifle a little laugh.

"Don't think I won't make you suffer for this during the Water Tribe ceremony!"

"But it'll all be worth it...won't it?" He gave his fiancée a little peck on the cheek before leaving the room.

The wig really was heavy. It had the appearance of an extremely thick braid, and was wrapped around Katara's head like an oversized crown that reached all the way to the back of the neck. A dull red cushion was squeezed between her head and the wig at her forehead. The wig bore various ornaments denoting her status as soon-to-be Fire Lady. In addition, a huge ornament resembling a butterfly was attached to the back of her head, which annoyed her no end. Katara did not dare to bend her neck for a moment; if she did, she had no doubt that she would not be able to raise her head again.

"I must really insist that you refrain from moving so much, my lady," the Head Lady of the Royal Maids chided. "You are making it quite impossible for your maids to put on your wedding robes."

"Ah, yes, I'm sorry. It's just—my wig..."

"We understand, my lady. However, do bear in mind that this was the hairstyle of the Fire Ladies of old. If they could bear it every day of their married lives, surely you can bear it for one, my lady."

"Ev—every day?" Katara stammered.

"Yes, my lady. It was abolished only during Firelord Sozin's reign. His cousin, Lady Pingu, snapped her neck because her wig was too large. From then on its size was reduced, and restricted to weddings only."

This set Katara's teeth on edge. "Snapped her neck?"

"That is correct, my lady. If you care to confirm it, you may find the relevant records in the Imperial Library."

"And you're saying...this wig was reduced in size? It was heavier before?"

"Yes, my lady." The Head Lady's prim, serious face was in danger of giving way to a smile.

"My goodness!"

"So, my lady, do recall that your predecessors had it much worse. Now, I must ask that you sit down here. It is time to apply makeup."

"At least Sozin was good for something," Katara muttered as she sat down in the chair.

As the maids hovered about her, putting makeup all over her face, she fell to musing. She reflected on how quickly her hate for Zuko had turned to love. She reflected on their whirlwind romance. She recalled the moment when Zuko asked her to be his Fire Lady. (Well, he didn't really ask. She caught Zuko putting a betrothal necklace on her pillow one night. The first thing she said was, "Zuko, no offence, but this betrothal necklace looks horrible." And indeed, Sokka could have carved a better one.)

She was ruminating over the texture of Fire Flakes when the Head Lady announced that the maids were finished applying her makeup.

"The ceremony will be starting quite soon," the Head Lady announced. "I trust you are familiar with the rites?"

"Yes, yes, I've rehearsed them many times," Katara said as the Head Lady personally placed a veil over her face.

"Your father should be waiting outside. Go now. Congratulations, my lady."

"Congratulations, my lady," the other maids echoed.

"Thank you," Katara said as she stood up and walked out the doorway. There she met her father, who led her down the hall.

Immediately the Head Lady's face relaxed. "Do you think I went too far about the wig?" she asked.

"She must have been horrified," one of the girls responded before they all burst into giggles.

* * *

"May your marriage be forever blessed," Fire Sage Shyu finished.

Katara and Zuko faced each other, knelt and kowtowed to each other. After standing up again, Zuko removed Katara's veil. They faced the garden again and bowed slightly. Katara could not help but wince a little—she was still getting used to the weight of her wig. They then sat down at the low table behind them, already covered with food. After they started eating, everyone at the tables in the garden below followed suit.

During the banquet, many people came up to congratulate the new couple. The first to do so was Kanna, accompanied by her son Hakoda.

"I still think you should have married a good Water Tribe man," Kanna said. "But that was your decision to make. Young man, treat my granddaughter well."

"I will, Lady Kanna," Zuko replied.

"We will withhold our congratulations for now," Hakoda told the young Firelord. "Please do not take it personally. As I have explained, Katara is not yet married in the eyes of the Water Tribe. After you undergo our rites, we will formally congratulate you. However, I hope that your life together will be a happy one."

"I understand, Chief Hakoda. You know that I will gladly undergo the marriage rites of the Southern Water Tribe."

Next in line were Sokka and Suki.

"If you do anything to my sister, I'll smash your head in, Firelord or not!"

"I'm sure you will, Sokka."

Aang and Mai came up to the table next. Aang stared, silent, into Katara's eyes. Mai did the same to Zuko. Eventually, Mai was able to say, "Congratulations, my lord."

"I still can't believe you two are together," Katara said. "You two have, like, opposite personalities!"

"Opposites attract, Katara," Aang said. "Congratulations on your marriage to Zuko."

"Thank you, Aang."

"That wig's really heavy, isn't it?" Mai asked in her trademark monotone voice.

"Yeah, it is."

Mai allowed herself a small smile. "And to think that could have been me. When I get married, my wig will be half as heavy. It won't be a royal wig, after all. I hope you don't end like Lady Pingu." As they walked away from the pavilion, she muttered, "Or do I?"

After this, Toph.

"Hey, Sparky, mind if I crash at your place for the week?"

"Ran away from home again?"

Iroh, of course, put in an appearance...

"Now, remember, Zuko. What women most want is freedom to make their own decisions. I learned that the hard way." Then, almost as an afterthought, he added, "Nice choice of woman, by the way. _Very_ nice."

"Thank you, Uncle," Zuko muttered.

Even Haru was able to make it.

"So, does this mean you're Fire Lady now?"

"She's not Fire Lady yet, technically," Zuko answered for her. "She'll be crowned Fire Lady tomorrow. It's a separate ceremony."

This confused the poor boy. "Why separate?"

"It's a technicality. The title 'Fire Lady' is bestowed upon the consort of the new Firelord during his coronation, and doesn't come automatically upon marriage. Since she wasn't married to me when I was crowned, she has to go through a separate ceremony."

"Besides," Katara put in, "they have to take out this wig first. They can't put the hairpiece in my hair when it's like this." Everyone had a laugh at that.

After the stream of congratulations was finished, the half-wed couple was finally able to concentrate on their food...and other matters.

"Mmm...Katara, have I told you what a wonderful kisser you are?"

"You could stand to remind me a few more times."

And they kissed again and again.

* * *

"Finally!" Katara sighed, rubbing her neck. The ridiculous wig and all its ornaments were taken off by two maids just moments ago, and now her hair was completely let down in preparation for bed. She flopped down onto the large bed, pulled the cover over her and awaited Zuko. As soon as he stepped into the room, she started ranting about the wig again.

Zuko only chuckled. "You look so cute when you're complaining like that."

"You are _so_ paying for this when we get to the South Pole."

"If you liked the wig so much, maybe we could reinstate the old tradition."

"What old tradition?"

"We could restore the traditional hairstyle of the ladies of the court. You seemed to enjoy it so much."

"Do that, and I'll _end_ you."

Zuko chuckled again, then made his way to the bed. "You look amazing."

"So do you. Get in here."

He got into the bed and kissed her. "Mmm. Katara flavour."

"Zuko flavour. My favourite."

They held each other in their arms for a moment.

"Zuko," Katara whispered. "I want you."

"Mmm."

"Zuko?"

"Mmm?"

"Let's go. Right now."

"Mmm..."

"Zuko? What's wrong?"

"It's nothing."

"Then come on. I want you, really, really bad."

He turned his head slightly. "I'm sorry, Katara."

"What?" she almost shrieked. "We've just gotten married, I'm offering my virginity to you, and you're refusing? What's going on here?"

"I'm sorry. It's just..."

"Just what?"

"Your..."

"My what?" she spat. "Out with it. Now. Or you're never having babies."

"Your pyjamas. They're turning me off. Big time."

"What's wrong with my pyjamas? You don't like blue polka dots?"

Zuko sighed. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

I have modeled Katara's wedding wig on the royal wigs of the Joseon dynasty of Korea. They look so beautiful, but so heavy! For those who don't watch Korean dramas, see Ta Min's wedding wig in _The Avatar and the Firelord_.


	6. Zutara II

Alright, here is the new and improved Zutara oneshot that I promised! This is one of the very few times I've ever used first person narrative (and even then, it's only for _half_ of the story), so I'd appreciate some feedback. I hope you enjoy this more than the last one, which was kind of crappy.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own set theory.

* * *

V _bis_. Zutara II

_From my position down the hall, I see Katara as she enters the bedroom we share. I take a deep breath, then walk slowly to the bedroom myself. I have rehearsed everything I am going to say, but I am still nervous. If she does not accept—well, that is not a possibility. She will accept. I know she will._

_I find her at the bed, examining the necklace I had carved for her and left on her pillow before dinner. As soon as she notices me, she softly exclaims, "Zuko, it's beautiful!"_

Katara was slightly miffed. Zuko had promised to dine with her tonight, and he was late! A servant, upon questioning, indicated that he was in their bedroom. She went immediately to find out why she was being stood up.

She found him in the bedroom, just as the servant said. He was placing a necklace on her pillow, and she stepped forward to get a closer look. This startled Zuko much more than it ought; he jumped violently and fell on the bed as soon as he realized Katara was present. His face was pale, and sweat was starting to appear on his forehead.

Katara picked up the necklace and scrutinized the carving. "No offence," she said, "but this necklace looks horrible."

"_Look on the back," I tell her. She flips over the stone, revealing the stylized flames I had carved on it._

_She looks at me, her eyes wide. "Fire."_

"_Fire and water," I say, moving towards her._

"_Fire and water," she echoes, flipping the flat stone from one side to the other and studying each side closely. Actually, it is comprised of two stones, cleverly glued together to create the appearance of one. One side is blue, with a carving symbolizing water. The other side is red, with a carving symbolizing fire._

"_What does it mean?" she whispers._

"_It symbolizes our union. Maiden of the Water Tribe and Lord of the Fire Nation."_

_She gazes at me as I drop to my knees._

"_Katara of the Southern Water Tribe, will you be my Fire Lady?"_

"Are these supposed to be clouds?" Katara asked, indicating the carving.

"Uhh, that's supposed to symbolize water," Zuko explained, getting more nervous by the minute. "Turn it over."

Katara made to flip the stone over, but stopped halfway through the motion to study the edge. "Zuko, why did you glue a red stone to the blue one?"

Zuko couldn't answer, his lips sealed by the difficult situation he had just been thrust into.

Finding no answer, Katara studied the carving on the back, which was done in the red stone. She raised an eyebrow and asked, "Why is there a papaya carving on the back? You know I don't like papaya."

"It's...not...a...papaya," Zuko choked out.

"Hmm. You're right. Mango? I like mangoes better."

"Not...mango."

"Then what is it?"

"Fire. It symbolizes fire." He seemed to be in pain.

Katara studied the two sides of the stone again. "Zuko, did Sokka make this? It looks like his work. Sort of reminds me of that painting he did, back in Ba Sing Se..."

"No," Zuko said. "I made it."

"Oh. _Oh,_" she murmured, realization hitting her. "Fire and water... ...Zuko. Are you proposing to me?"

_Never have three seconds seemed so long! She stares at me, stares into my eyes, stares into my soul. But she is moved, she is tearing up, there is joy in her face! And at last, she finds the words._

"_Yes. Yes!" she exclaims. "I'll be your Fire Lady."_

_I think my heart is going to burst with all this pounding._

"_Oh, Zuko!" She pulls me into a tight hug. "I'll be your Fire Lady, I'll be your Fire Lady," she repeats, her tears falling onto my shoulder._

"_I love you, Katara," I whisper._

Zuko dropped to his knees and repeated the words he had been rehearsing for months. "Katara of the Southern Water Tribe, will you be my Fire Lady?"

The look of Zuko, kneeling before her with a face paler than chalk, sent Katara into fits of laughter. "Oh, Zuko," she said. "Of course I will! Did you even have to ask? Come here!" She opened her arms wide, and Zuko jumped into her embrace in an instant.

"I love you, Katara."

"I love you too."

"_This is so perfect," she says, fingering her new necklace. We sit down on the edge of the bed. "I can't believe this is happening."_

"_Do you like your betrothal necklace?" I ask._

"_I love it! It's beautiful. Oh, Zuko, I can't wait 'till we're married."_

"_It'll be soon, I promise." And with that..._

_...we kissed._

"I'm so sorry," Zuko babbled over dinner. "It was supposed to be _so_ different. I had it all planned out and everything." In his mind's eye, he could still see an imaginary Katara, fingering her necklace as they kissed. "That has got to be the most unromantic proposal in the history of proposals. I'm afraid I've ruined the moment forever."

"Oh, Zuko. Nothing could ruin the moment for me. In fact, now I've got a great story to tell to our children!" Katara giggled.

"That's what I was afraid of."

"I'll show them this betrothal necklace..."

"I'd rather you didn't—"

"And they'll be _amazed _at how skilled their daddy is at making carvings. Right, Zuko?"

He sidled over to his wife-to-be and planted a kiss right on her lips. "You talk too much."

"I'm still telling them," she said as they turned the kiss into something beautiful.


	7. Kataang

Before anyone accuses me of bashing Zutara, please bear in mind that I am bashing Kataangers as well. I am also bashing high-level mathematics (mostly set theory and differential equations) and physics (quantum mechanics). I'M BEING FAIR! [end whiny voice]

By the way, don't actually try to understand what's going on. You won't be able to. (The fact that it's basically a WALL of text, plus the fact that it has QUANTUM MECHANICS in it, should make that pretty obvious.) This is meant to be a Statement (and yes, that's a capital S xD) about how shipping wars tend to go overboard and obsessive and stuff. I should have made it a bit clearer when I first posted this, for which I apologize.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Schrödinger equation or anything whose quantum state is described by it.

* * *

VI. Kataang

An excerpt from M. Petroculis, _The Kataanger's Guide to Discrediting Zutara, 2nd ed._

Unfortunately, adherents of the Zutara sect tend to be illogical dreamers who pay little attention to hard facts. However, there are those who approach the problem logically. Sadly, these people tend to have their facts wrong, and are thus led to erroneous conclusions regarding Kataang and Zutara. Most of them are responsive to the technique of Argument from Canon, especially when supplemented by Appeal to the Creators. However, Argument from Canon does not always have the desired effect. For those rare, logical Zutarians who do not respond to Argument from Canon, an appeal to science may be effective. We point out that this argument will not work with most Zutarians; as noted, they tend to be illogical dreamers, and most of them probably dismiss science and reason in favour of unicorns and spaghetti monsters.

This argument does not make full use of Avatar: The Last Airbender canon with all its nuances, but only verifiable, incontrovertible facts that even Zutarians must acknowledge. (For example, one of them is the fact that Katara is a Waterbender. Neither Kataangers nor Zutarians could ever dispute that without putting themselves at serious risk of being dismissed as crackpots.) Using these facts and applying the techniques of quantum mechanics to the problem, physicists have been able to show beyond any reasonable doubt that Zutara cannot occur without contradicting the laws of science. The advantage of this argument is that the facts used are beyond dispute. Thus, any attempt to discredit it must focus on the method of proof; but the method has been rigorously tested by a generation of physicists and chemists, and has not been found wanting. The argument is therefore difficult for Zutarians to refute.

Quantum mechanics is a deep and complicated subject. While the proof itself is little more than a brute-force quantum mechanical calculation, it is still beyond the reach of the general populace. In the interest of maximum accessibility, we only explain the path of reasoning behind the actual proof. However, it still assumes some knowledge of physics and mathematics. For those with a background in theoretical physics, a full proof can be seen in D. Leung,_ Avatar: The Last Airbender, A Quantum Mechanical Approach_.

**The Quantum Mechanical Argument**

It is well known that all matter in the physical universe exhibits _wave-particle duality_, which means that all matter has properties of both waves and particles. Matter waves satisfy a certain partial differential equation, called the _Schrödinger equation_, which governs their properties. A major part of quantum mechanics concerns the solution of the Schrödinger equation given a certain _potential_—a function that assigns a potential energy to all points in space. A solution of the Schrödinger equation (subject to certain constraints) is called a _wave function_, and describes the wave properties of the particle in question under the effect of the given potential. From the wave function, one can determine any dynamical quantity of the particle (such as its momentum, velocity, kinetic energy, etc.).

However, we are not interested in finding dynamical quantities of particles. We are interested in finding out whether Katara will end up with Aang or Zuko. Such a problem would appear to fall within the realm of literary criticism rather than physical science. Nevertheless, it has been shown that characters in a story are _isomorphic_ to particles in space—that is, characters are in some way _the same_ as particles. Since the Schrödinger equation describes the evolution of particles in time, this isomorphism means that the same equation (in an appropriate form) also describes the evolution of characters in time. This is a most important point, since it means that the question of Kataang versus Zutara has an _objective_ answer, independent of personal opinions. Even more importantly, quantum mechanics is fundamentally _probabilistic_, ensuring that our answer will be a sensible one. We shall see that quantum mechanics will tell us the _chances_ that a particular shipping will prevail.

The physicist and mathematician K. D. D. Bryke did much research on the isomorphism between characters and particles in the early 21st century, and it is after him that the famous Bryke transform is named. It is the Bryke transform that ultimately allows the analysis of questions like the Kataang-Zutara problem using the methods of quantum mechanics by giving an isomorphism between _position space_, in which particles reside, and _narrative space_, in which characters reside. It is also by using the Bryke transform that we can convert the Schrödinger equation in position space into the Schrödinger equation in narrative space. We can thus solve the Schrödinger equation directly in narrative space, without having to convert back and forth between narrative space and position space. Solution of the Schrödinger equation in narrative space will yield the wave function of a character in a story, just as its solution in position space yields the wave function of a particle.

We pause for a moment to consider the meaning of the wave function of a _character_. Just as the wave function of a particle has no physical interpretation (as opposed to its _square of its absolute value_, which is the probability density of the particle's position), the wave function of a character has no interpretation. However, as noted above, by appropriate manipulation of a particle's wave function we can determine various quantities of interest and their evolution in time. So it is with the wave function of a character: by appropriately manipulating it, we can use it to determine certain properties of that character, and how they evolve in time.

Now we are ready to begin our analysis. Since Katara is the common element in both Kataang and Zutara, it makes sense to try and find the _Katara wave function_. We shall do this by constructing a potential function corresponding to the potentials of Katara's character, then inserting it into the Schrödinger equation (in narrative space) and solving it. By applying certain boundary conditions to the solution in the form of known facts about Katara's life, we will construct a unique wave function corresponding to Katara—the Katara wave function. From the wave function, we will calculate the character that Katara is most likely to be with. We will begin by specifying the potential.

In the case of Katara, the potential is simple. In fact, to an extremely good approximation the Katara potential function is _time-independent_. That is, the _potentialities_ in the character of Katara do not change as time goes on. This makes the solution of the Schrödinger equation for the Katara potential a relatively easy problem. The first line of assault for mathematicians and scientists in the solution of partial differential equations like the Schrödinger equation is the technique of _separation of variables_, which entails the reduction of the equation into a number of ordinary differential equations. In the case of the Schrödinger equation, the technique separates the equation into an equation that contains only space variables (the _time-independent Schrödinger equation_) and an equation that only involves time. This latter is extremely simple to solve, and may be combined with solutions of the former to yield the full solution to the Schrödinger equation. Since the Katara potential is time-independent (to a good approximation, we emphasize), the Schrödinger equation with the Katara potential is a relatively simple problem. But we will return to the problem of the solution of the Schrödinger equation after we examine the Katara potential function in more detail.

The character of Katara has much potential. She has the potential to be loving, caring and kind; she has the potential to be quite vindictive. She has the potential to be a great Waterbending master. There are many others that could be named, but for the sake of brevity we will not list them all. These character potentials can be incorporated, by use of good writing skills and a clever use of isomorphism, into a mathematical function which we will call the Katara potential function, or the _Katara potential_ for short. The full derivation of the Katara potential function can be found, along with the Aang, Sokka, Zuko, and Toph potential functions, in D. Leung, _Avatar: The Last Airbender, A Quantum Mechanical Approach_.

The solution of the Schrödinger equation with the Katara potential is, as we have noted, simplified by the fact that the equation is separable. Solution of the time-independent Schrödinger equationis really equivalent to solution of the full Schrödinger equation, since we can tack on the time dependence to the time-independent solution in the usual manner. However, we still have the problem of solving the time-independent equation. For most quantum mechanical systems, the Schrödinger equation is so complex that it must be solved numerically (_i.e. _approximately). The Katara potential is simple enough that the wave function can be found analytically (_i.e._ exactly); this is one of very few quantum mechanical systems that can be solved thus. (The Katara potential is extremely well-behaved compared to other characters' potentials. The Aang wave function can be expressed in terms of Airy functions, but the Sokka and Toph systems must be solved numerically. The Zuko system has eluded even numerical solutions because of its instability.) Indeed, a simple change of variable in the Schrödinger equation makes the problem almost trivial. This clever change of variable (letting _ξ = (xzuvw/2π)(dy/dh)_)has the effect of reducing the time-independent Schrödinger equation from a second-order equation into two first-order equations, which can be solved by integration.

The time-independent solution has a number of constants which can be fixed by using boundary conditions. The first condition is normalization; thankfully, the Katara solution of the Schrödinger equation is normalizable, and thus represents a true character. (Normalization roughly means that the solution can be sensibly interpreted. Solutions that go to infinity—the so-called _Mary Sues_—are not normalizable and hence do not represent real characters.) A second condition is the fact that Katara is a Waterbender; combined with the first condition, they account for the two arbitrary constants which appear after the integrations. A third condition is the fact that Katara found Avatar Aang in an iceberg, which places restrictions on the energy levels in the romance and determination dimensions. Similarly, the fact that Sokka is her brother places restrictions in the motherhood, family and impatience dimensions. Other facts restrict the wave function in other ways; once this process of imposing conditions upon the wave function according to known facts is finished, we have the final time-independent Katara wave function. Actually, this is an infinite series of time-independent wave functions, all of them fitting the conditions imposed on them. Each solution is called a _stationary state_, so called because they do not change in time. Crucially, each one has a definite _love interest_ associated with it, be it Aang, Zuko, Haru, Toph or someone else. This point will be very important after we construct the final Katara wave function.

The most general solution of the (time-dependent) Schrödinger equation is obtained by writing a linear combination of all stationary states of the Katara wave function, multiplied by their respective time dependences. This is a standard technique stemming from the fact that the Schrödinger equation is _linear_. To find the final Katara wave function, we need to find the coefficients in the linear combination. Using the fact that Katara was living in the Southern Water Tribe at the beginning of the show and the orthonormality of the wave functions in the linear combination, we can find the coefficients by means of the technique pioneered by Fourier. These coefficients may be interpreted in this manner: the _square of the absolute value_ of each coefficient represents the "amount" of the respective stationary state contained in the final wave function. The linear combination itself may be interpreted as a mixture of stationary states in varying amounts, giving a final wave function that represents the character in question.

Having thus derived the final Katara wave function, we can use it to find the man Katara is most likely to end up with. This is done by analyzing the coefficients in the linear combination. In the case of Katara, this analysis reveals the remarkable fact that _only those stationary states which correspond to having Aang as the love interest have non-zero coefficients_. In other words, quantum mechanics states that the chance of Katara falling in love with Aang is exactly 1 (_i.e. _100%). Because no other love interest enters into the linear combination, we come to another important conclusion: _Katara's love interest is constant in time. _Her love interest has always been and always will be Aang. This obviously means that the chances of Zutara happening are 0, in accordance with Kataangist teachings (and in direct contradiction to Zutarist philosophy).

The Zutarian will note that the Katara potential is only _approximately_ time-independent. No doubt they will argue that, because of the time-dependence, the entire argument is flawed and incorrect. However, numerical solution of the Schrödinger equation with the exact, time-dependent Katara potential yields the same results to a precision of 1 in 3,500,000,000,000,000. (See W. Fire, _Numerical solution of the Kataang-Zutara problem using the time-dependent Katara potential_.) Thus the time dependency of the Katara potential does not change the fact that Kataang is the correct position, according to the tried-and-true laws of physics.

If the Quantum Mechanical Argument fails, it may be necessary to resort to Argument from Bludgeoning, described below.

* * *

Please note that none of the foregoing was accurate. There are so many things wrong with this argument (especially the quantum mechanics—I'm only a first year physics major! What do you expect?) that I don't care to count them. I hope you enjoyed it all the same, though!


	8. Katoph

It was long and hard writing this! I wrote most of it a week or more ago, but I was never happy with it. I considered throwing it out completely like I did with the original Kataang (the one you saw was actually Kataang II), but decided not to. Instead, I threw out the ending and rewrote it. Twice. Now I'm happier with it. Have fun!

Lucrezia6565: I lied. Katoph was after Kataang. Zukaang is after THIS one. xD

DISCLAIMER: Let _x_n_ be the _n_th element of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Then these statements are true: a) I do not own _x__0; b) I own _x_(n+1)_ if and only if I own _x_n_.

* * *

VII. Katoph

"And people get amusement out of this?" Katara asked, incredulous.

"Are you kidding me? They _love_ it!" Toph giggled. "Think about it, Katara. It'll be great. You're the only one who doesn't have a boyfriend. This way, you can pick someone who actually suits you, and get a free dinner out of it! Maybe more, if you're lucky! Plus, you'll be famous!"

"_You_ don't have a boyfriend."

"If I was looking, I'd do it."

"Who says I was looking for a boyfriend, anyways?"

"Do it for the free dinner. Come on, Katara! You never know! You might get lucky!"

"Toph. Why do you want me on this show so badly?"

Toph gave a conspicuous sigh. "Just do it. Please. Zuko, Teo, Haru and Aang all have crushes on you. If you do this, maybe they'll shut up for once." It was a blatant lie, but she would never tell her the real reason she wanted Katara to get on the show.

"Ah, so that's it."

"Please, just do it! It'll make them shut up!"

"Well, sorry to disappoint them, but—"

"Hey, Katara. Hey, Toph," Zuko said, stepping into the room.

"Zuko! Good timing. I have something to ask you," Katara said. "Toph says you—"

"Did you do it?" Toph asked, cutting Katara off.

"I did." Zuko had a rare smile on his face.

"Do what?" Katara demanded. She felt a chill run down her spine. Happy Zuko was freaking her out.

"Congratulations, Katara," Zuko said. "You're on _Find Me A Date_."

"_What?_" she shrieked.

"High five!" Toph shouted, slapping her palm onto Zuko's. (She almost missed, for she had aimed a little too low.)

"You signed me up for _Find Me A Date_?" Katara screeched.

"Yup. For _tomorrow_." Zuko would have burst into laughter if it weren't so completely antithetical to his basic nature. As it was, though, he was coming close.

"For tomorrow!" Toph gasped, laughing. "How'd you manage that?"

"I love being the Firelord," was all Zuko could say.

"Well, I'm not going!" Katara shouted, marching out the door.

"I thought you'd say that," Zuko said as two Imperial Firebenders grabbed Katara and "escorted" her to her room.

* * *

"Hello, and welcome to _Find Me A Date! _I am your host, Ku Xin! Katara, are you ready to find a date?"

"No," was the reply.

"Aww, Katara's shy! Let's give her some encouragement!"

The audience cheered. Sokka, who had a front-row seat, cheered especially loudly.

"Are you ready to find a date?" Ku Xin asked.

"If I say no again, this'll just drag on forever," Katara muttered. "I'm ready!"

The audience cheered again.

"Great! Now, Katara, you have four potential boyfriends. One of them is behind each of these screens." Ku Xin motioned to the four screens set up across the stage from her. They were numbered one to four, with the four candidates seated behind them. "We're going to give you a series of questions to ask them. Listen to their answers and see who you like best."

Katara nodded, still angry at being dragged into this. _Zuko and Toph are going down_, she thought furiously.

"These four are people you know, so they'll be whispering their answers to me, and I'll relay them to you. We wouldn't want you guessing who's who before you pick one!"

"I see." Her smile was from mental images of Toph being boiled in oil.

"And, as a special surprise...one of the four candidates tonight is a girl!" Ku Xin announced.

"What?" Katara exclaimed, jumping out of her padded chair. "A girl? I'm not going out with a girl!"

"Oh, you're going to make her sad. Do you really want her to be sad?"

"Yes."

"Aww, Katara, don't be a meanie!"

She crossed her arms and flopped back into her seat. "Get on with it already."

"It would appear we're ready to begin! Here's your first question." He shoved a paper into Katara's hands, then headed behind the screens to Number 1.

She sighed. "Alright, here goes. 'Prove that the cardinality of the real numbers is strictly greater than the cardinality of the natural numbers.' Wait, what does that even mean?"

Ku Xin hurried out to Katara and snatched the paper from her hands. "Sorry, that was my math homework. Here's your _real_ first question." The audience laughed.

"Uhh... 'If you had to choose between me and a million gold pieces, which would you choose?'"

Ku Xin went behind Number 1's screen and took his answer. "He chooses the gold pieces!"

"What?" Katara exclaimed. "Number 1 can forget about dating me!" This elicited an excited murmur from the audience.

"Number 2 says, 'Why can't I have both? I'll use the money to treat you like a princess!'"

"That's better."

"Number 3 wants you!"

"That's nice to know."

"So does Number 4!"

"I see."

Ku Xin walked out to Katara again and handed her another paper. "Here's your second question!"

"Okay... 'How do you feel when I'm around you?' "

"Scared," was Number 1's reply.

"Are you just here to tick me off?" Katara demanded.

"Maybe."

"I feel warm and protected," was Number 2's reply. "I feel like you're a mother to me. You care about me. And I care about you too."

"I feel a wonderful strength whenever I'm around you," Number 3 answered.

"I feel helpless," Number 4 admitted. "You're always so close to me—always there for me—but I feel like I can't tell you how I feel. I feel helpless because I can't tell you I love you."

This answer caused Katara to raise her eyebrows. Before she could mull it over, though, Ku Xin came out with the third question.

"What do you think of female benders?"

"Scary. Really, really scary," said Number 1.

"What did I expect?" Katara muttered.

"They rock!" said Number 2.

"I...uhh...guess they could be useful," replied Number 3. Katara frowned at this one.

"Female benders are just as competent as male benders," said Number 4.

The fourth question was "How would you react if I dumped you?". Unsurprisingly, Number 1's answer was "Throw a party."

"I would kill you!" Number 2 said. "Then kill myself," he added.

"I'd be really sad," Number 3 said.

"I'd try and reason with you, but if it's really how you feel then I'd respect your decision," said Number 4.

"I think I'm starting to like Number 4," Katara said, causing various reactions in the audience.

The fifth question was "You're doing something really, really important when you find out I'm in danger. What do you do?"

"Pretend I didn't hear the news," said Number 1.

"Drop everything and find you as soon as possible!" said Number 2.

"Well, it kind of depends on _how_ important the thing I'm doing is," said Number 3.

"What could be more important than saving you?" was Number 4's answer.

Question six was "What would you do if I died tomorrow?"

"Throw a really, really big party."

"Scream at you until you live again. Or jump into the ocean. I'd miss you so much, I'd probably want to die."

"I would make today your best day on earth."

"I would make sure you died with no regrets. I'd find out your preferences for your funeral and make sure they were strictly adhered to."

"Number 1, as usual, makes a less-than-witty remark," Katara said as she took—grabbed, rather—the next question from Ku Xin. "Alright, question seven. 'Let A be the set of all real numbers between 0 and 1, and let B be the set of all real numbers between 0 and 1000. Which set is bigger?' Hey, isn't this your math homework again?"

"Nope. That's a real question. Wouldn't you feel better if you knew that your boyfriend was really smart?" Ku Xin said, then headed to the screens. "Number 1, what's your answer?"

"C."

"Obviously B is bigger. 1000 is bigger than 1, after all."

"Uhh...B?"

"They're the same."

Katara was inclined to guess B, herself. For the moment, she had serious doubts about Number 4's sanity.

"Actually, Number 4 is correct. Since there exists a one-to-one correspondence between the two sets [A/N: see footnote], they're actually the same size. Obviously he had a good education," Ku Xin announced. "Ready for the next question?"

"Just give it here already."

Question eight was "What do you think are the most important factors of a good relationship?"

"Fear."

"Respect for each other, confidence in each other and in oneself, trust, love and honesty."

"Respect, confidence, trust and honesty."

"Peace, love, respect and openness."

Question nine was "Do you want children?"

"I want children, but not by you."

"I really think this is the kind of decision that the two of us should make together. I mean, I wouldn't mind having children later on, but I have to think about how you feel as well."

"Yes, I want children."

"I probably wouldn't want children at first, because I'm too unsettled and active for that. But once I settle down, hopefully with you, Katara, I wouldn't mind having children. I hope they grow up to be just like you."

"I like Numbers 2 and 4. As usual, they gave the best answers," Katara noted. "How many more questions?"

"Actually, this is the last one!" Ku Xin replied. "For your last question, you get to ask...anything you want! As long as it doesn't reveal the identities of our contestants, that is. So, ask away!"

Katara had no problem thinking of a question. "Number 1, name one reason why I shouldn't kill you."

The audience gasped. Even Ku Xin—who Katara could swear reminded her of Ty Lee—had widened eyes. It was a moment before he remembered that he had to relay the answer.

"I'm...cute and adorable?"

"Cute and adorable, huh? Well, you won't be so cute and adorable when I'm done with you!"

An audible gulp could be heard from behind the screen marked "1".

"So," began Ku Xin, "now that you've heard their answers, what do you think? Who do you choose as your date?"

"Not Number 1, that's for sure." After a few moments, Katara continued in a considerably less nasty voice, "I don't know, actually. Probably not Number 3; I didn't really like some of his answers. Number 2 and Number 4 seem to be the best choices. But which one?"

After a minute or so of hemming and hawing, she made her decision.

"I'll go with Number 4."

"Oh, no you didn't!" an awfully familiar voice exclaimed. Before Katara could recognize it, though, Number 2 marched out from behind his screen in a fury.

_Her_ screen, rather.

"You did _not_ just pick Twinkletoes over me, lady!" she yelled, marching towards Katara.

It was Toph.

"Toph!" Katara exclaimed (rather redundantly).

"I went to all this trouble to make you like me, and you go and pick Aang? I can't believe you!"

"I liked his answers better!"

"You just picked him because he's a guy!"

"I didn't know which one of you four was a girl! This guy"—she gestured towards a frightened Ku Xin—"made _damned_ sure I didn't find out!"

Sokka fainted. His sister swore! Who would have believed it?

"Besides," Toph yelled, "my answers were way awesomer than his!"

"That's not a word."

"Whatever."

"Guys, stop it! We're in front of an audience!" Aang shouted, separating the two girls.

"Shut it, Airhead!" Toph shouted. "Katara's mine!"

"She picked me!"

"Well, she should have picked me!"

"Toph!" Katara interrupted. "Do you intend to win my love like that?"

"I don't care anymore! If you're stupid enough to pick _him_, I don't want you!"

The audience gasped.

"Well, good, 'cause I never wanted you anyways!"

"I can't believe I was ever in love with you!"

"Well, the fact that you were shows that your mind is just as dirty as your body!"

"Go and fool around with your third-rate little Avatar! I never want to see you again!"

"And good riddance to you, too!"

With that, they turned their backs on each other and marched off the stage in opposite directions. But as they did so, Toph tripped over a block in her fury. As she fell flat on her face, Katara looked back—and giggled.

No one giggles at Toph and gets away with it.

"Everyone needs to evacuate!" Aang shouted as rocks started to fly. The audience collectively screamed; some people hid under their seats, while most pushed and shoved their way to the exits.

"Guys, stop it!" Zuko shouted, overcoming his shock and leaping off his seat behind one of the screens. "Toph! Katara! Stop fighting!"

Katara bent some water out of the air and froze Zuko to a wall. "I'll deal with you later, Number 1!" she yelled as she dodged more boulders.

After vainly trying to coordinate the audience's escape, Aang leapt back to the stage and approached Haru, who had entered into the fetal position behind the screen marked "3". "Haru, take Sokka and Ku Xin and get out of here!" he shouted. "I'll try and stop Katara and Toph!"

Haru continued to suck his thumb.

"Haru!!"

He raised his head. "Yes?"

"You need to get Sokka and Ku Xin out of here while I try and stop Katara and Toph! Hurry, before the theatre crumbles! _Go!_"

Haru simply stared, apparently shocked, until Aang gave him a little push. This spurred Haru into action, who did as he was asked. Meanwhile, Aang attempted to quell the raging battle between the Waterbender and the Earthbender. Already the stage was an appalling mess: the chair Katara had been sitting in was barely recognizable, the screens were crushed, and the whole scene was strewn with rocks and ice. Those audience members still hiding under their seats were in a bad position; rocks were sailing over their heads, along with the occasional splash of water. One by one they ran for the exits while Aang tried to stop the fight.

To make a long story short, Aang did manage to stop the fight. However, there was a price to be paid...

* * *

"The theatre was completely destroyed, and your parents had to pay a hundred thousand gold pieces to the owner," Aang finished. "But that's how your Mommy Toph came out of the closet."

"Wow. I always knew Mommy Toph was a little crazy." The young man chuckled. "I always love it when you tell me these stories, Uncle Aang. But...it seems like Mommy Katara really didn't feel the same way that Mommy Toph did at the time. Did Mommy Katara come out of the closet later?"

"It wasn't nearly as dramatic as when Toph did it, but yes, she did."

"How'd it happen?"

"Well, it goes back to how they had to find a hundred thousand gold pieces to pay to the theatre owner. Tell me, have you ever heard of the Runaway?..."

* * *

Footnote: This is true. A and B are in fact the same size, even though A goes from 0 to 1 and B goes from 0 to 1000. Anyone who knows what a bijection is can give an obvious bijection between the sets, proving that their sizes are the same.


	9. Zukaang

DISCLAIMER: I own Avatar, and I do not own Avatar. Therefore, by the principle of explosion, I do not exist. (Also, the same principle says you're Santa Claus.)

* * *

VIII. Zukaang

"I'm sorry, Aang," Katara said softly. "I hope we can still be friends."

"Of course we can," Aang replied.

"Thank you for being so understanding. I don't know how I can make it up to you."

"Don't feel that way, Katara. As long as you're happy."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be." He got up to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"I'd like some time to myself." He walked dejectedly out the door, closed it gently and collapsed sobbing.

Meanwhile, just two rooms down a somewhat similar scene occurred. It ended with Toph marching out of Sokka's room, shouting "I hate you!" and slamming the door. She was masking her sorrow with anger; tears streamed down her face as she marched down the hall.

"Toph!" Sokka cried, pulling the door open. He was cut off when Toph stomped on the ground, causing a slab of earth to rise and seal up the doorway.

Aang looked up at all this commotion. "Toph? What's the matter?"

Toph made an annoyed grunt.

"Toph?"

"Sokka dumped me, that's what's the matter! Why are you bawling your eyes out?"

He sighed. "We're both in the same boat. Katara just dumped me."

Toph had the slightest of reactions—a slight widening of the eyes, a tiny jerk of her body—but it was enough to tell Aang that this was news to her. Without saying a word, though, she grabbed him by the collar and started walking again.

"What are you doing? Let go of me!"

"Come. Now."

"Where?"

"We're going to drown our sorrows."

"In fruit pies?"

"In _alcohol_, Airhead! You're going to be my drinking partner!"

"Alcohol?!"

Despite Aang's initial struggling, they were well on their way by the time Katara rushed out to protest.

* * *

"You're hopeless," Toph complained as she dragged Aang back to their Ba Sing Se residence. "But what do I expect? You're an Airbender. Lightweight."

"Mmm...Katara, you're pretty..." Aang drawled as he stumbled along the path with Toph's guidance.

"Will you shut up about Sugar Queen and keep moving? We're only in the Middle Ring, and it's too late to hail a carriage! We'll be lucky if we get three hours of sleep tonight!"

"Don't leave me...Katara..."

"And this guy's supposed to be the Avatar. Ridiculous."

* * *

"Katara..." Aang mumbled, stumbling into the room. The figure on the bed turned and looked at him with raised eyebrows.

"Wha—"

"Don't leave me, Katara. Please...don't leave me..." He approached the bed, still hopelessly inebriated.

"I'm not— this isn't your room— Aang— what are you—" The voice lapsed into silence for a little bit. "...I won't leave you. I won't leave you, Aang."

"Oh, Katara. I love you." He slid into the bed.

"I love you too."

They drew each other close, enjoying a moment of closeness as their lips locked.

"Aang, you've been drinking."

"I...missed you. Don't leave me, Katara..."

"I'll never leave you, Aang. I'll stay with you forever."

"I was so sad...when you said...we couldn't...be...together."

"It's a lie. We'll be together forever."

"Forever...forever girl...Katara, you're my forever girl..."

"You're my forever boy, Aang."

Aang attempted to chuckle, but it came out more like a hiccup. "We're forever."

"Yes. Forever." They pulled together into another kiss.

"Katara, you feel...different."

"Do I? You're just imagining it."

"Yeah...guess I am..."

They lay comfortably together in the darkness, Aang in a haze of drunkenness, the other...

"Katara?"

"Hmm?"

"What are you rubbing?"

"Nothing..."

"Oh."

"...Come here." They kissed.

"Mmm...Katara, is it your period thing now?"

"No..."

"You're wet."

"No, I'm not. Go to sleep, Aang. Tomorrow's going to be a long day..."

* * *

Sokka knocked on the door. "Zuko, wake up!"

"It's the middle of the night! What's the matter?" was the half-mumbled reply from the other side of the door.

"Aang's still missing! He's not in his room!"

"Leave me alone."

"But Aang's missing! We need to find him!"

"Leave me alone. We'll look for him in the—"

"Zuko?" came another voice from behind the door. "Oh, my head...What's going on here?"

"It's okay, Aang, go back to sleep," Zuko murmured.

"Is that Aang in there?" Sokka asked.

"This doesn't look like my room..." Aang said.

"Sokka, leave me alone," Zuko repeated. "Stop, Aang, you're got a hangover, you need to rest..."

"In your room?" Sokka asked. "What's going on here?"

The door opened. "You tell me," Aang mumbled. "I'm gonna go to my room. My head's killing me!" With that, he stumbled over to his own room and flopped down in his bed.

In an instant, Zuko had pinned Sokka to a wall. "I'm going to kill you!" Zuko hissed.

"Zuko, let go of me..."

"Do you know how long I've waited for that?" Zuko continued, his quiet voice signalling the beginnings of an angst-filled monologue. "That could have been my only chance in _years_, perhaps _forever_! And you had to come and ruin it! Do you know how long I've dreamed of being with Aang? Of sleeping with him and whispering sweet nothings in his ear? Of holding him and kissing him and telling him I love him? Of hearing him say 'I love you' to me? Do you have any idea how long I've wanted these things? And I had them! Just now, I had them all! I was satisfied—I was _happy_! He may have been drunk and heartbroken, but—even if it was just one night—I had everything I wanted! Now you've ruined it! You've ruined everything!" He flung the boy to the ground and turned away with tears in his eyes.

Sokka stared at him for a moment, then got up and rubbed his aching ass. "You were _happy_? But you're never happy! And that hurt, by the way."

"I hate you."

"Also, was that speech meant to make me feel sorry for you? 'Cause it just made you sound like an opportunistic bastard. And I don't use the word 'bastard' a lot."

"Of course you don't," Zuko retorted, spinning around. "The show's PG-13. You aren't supposed to swear. I take offence to being called an opportunistic bastard, by the way."

"Wait, PG-13? Are you sure? I don't think it was rated PG-13."

"I'm not sure myself. I just pulled something out of my ass."

"That's not a very PG-13 word, either."

"No, I guess it isn't. 'Butt', maybe? I know Toph says that sometimes."

"Yeah, especially in connection with getting it kicked."

"Yeah." Zuko chuckled a bit, then realized that the conversation was heading in an unexpected (and extremely strange) direction. Resuming his angst-ridden voice, he said, "Anyways, you're missing the point. I was having a moment with my Aangy, and you ruined it! I hate you forever!"

"I still stand by 'opportunistic bastard'. ...Wait. 'Aangy'?"

Zuko's eyes widened slightly. If one could read his mind at the moment, his thoughts would probably be running along the lines of _Oh, shit_. "I never said that," he replied quickly.

"Oh, yes you did! Wait 'till I tell everyone!"

"No, don't!"

"I will! Unless..."

"Unless what?"

Sokka's smile strongly reminded Zuko of Azula. "Unless you..."

* * *

"Ohhhh," Aang moaned. "I must still be drunk. Look at that, a Zuko hallucination with underwear on his head."

* * *

Author's Note: I'm sorry I took so long to get this out. It was finished fully a month ago. However, what I wanted to do was get well started on the Toko and Taang stories before posting this one, because in fics like this I prefer to finish a chapter before posting the one before it. It prevents me from publishing "hot off the press" stuff which is usually riddled with mistakes. The policy has served me well on the whole, but in this case it resulted in a rather long delay. See, I now have major writer's block with regards to the half-finished Toko story (which was to be next), and absolutely no inspiration at all with regards to the Taang story. Therefore, I decided to post the Zukaang oneshot and forget about finishing Toko and Taang. For the foreseeable future, Ten Love Duets will not be finished. (I won't say unfortunately. I've tortured enough people, wouldn't you say?)

I'd like to thank all my readers and reviewers for your feedback and support! Now go read something that's actually worth reading!


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